Children know sorrow. Who can say that they suffer less than adults? Sometimes the hurt goes deeper. In any event, they have needs that should not be overlooked.

How do you tell a child that someone he loved has died? It's difficult, but being straightforward is the best rule. Tell the truth. Handled carefully, the truth should be good enough. Your own beliefs will, of course, determine what you say about the meaning of death and about life after death. And you can admit there is much more that you do not know. But distortions of reality can do lasting harm. For example, "gone to sleep" may lead to a fear of going to sleep, and "God took her" may lead to a hatred of God for being cruel. Incidentally, death in a hospital may lead to a fear of hospitals unless the child is reassured.

Your assurance of love and support is the greatest thing you can do for a grieving child. He should be reminded that the loss of one important relationship of love does not mean the loss of others, including the one with you. And he should understand he is in no way to blame for the death. Young children often think that anything "bad" that happens in their little world is somehow their fault. A very young child may wonder, "who will take care of me?" Assure him that his physical needs will be met.

Let the child participate in the family sorrow. If shielded, he may feel rejected, as though he does not belong. He needs you, and you need him. Let the child see your grief. It may be distressing to see father cry, but it's far more distressing to see "business as usual".

Protect the child from unnecessary burdens. Do not say, or let others say, to the child who has lost a father, "You are the man of the house, now." And no child (or adult) should be told to "be brave." Having to put up false fronts makes grieving more difficult.

Let the child express his feeling. It's all right for the child to be angry. But do not probe. Provide the environment in which feeling can be expressed spontaneously. If more than one child is involved, spend time alone with each. The needs of one may be much greater than the needs of others. Be aware that tears are not the only measure of grief. Unfortunately the crying child gets the most sympathy. The less demonstrative child will also need your attention.

Let the child share in your progress. As you work through grief, coming to terms with your loss, your child will be helped to do the same. Find, if you can, some activities you can do together, and share your involvement with friends, family, church and community.

Barbara McIntyre, PhD., ATR

Barbara is a licensed professional counselor and art therapist who has specialized in children and grief for over 20 years at Munson Hospice. She is also a professor for the Master Degree in Counseling and Art Therapy at Spring Arbor University and Wayne State University.